Leaning on the sustaining infinite, Pt. 1

This run was originally meant as a birthday run, a personal challenge to see if I could cover my age in miles. As I mapped the route, however, the basis and tenor rapidly evolved. You see, I had selected the U.S. Naval Academy, in Annapolis, MD, as my starting point. But why?

Why the Naval Academy? I am not an alumna nor a local resident of Annapolis.  I was raised in the western U.S. and went to school in the Northeast. I only made its formal acquaintance in 2003, when I served as the Marine Corps Executive Officer for a summer training segment of midshipmen. I have no obvious connection with the storied institution.

My relationship is with those who inhabited its marbled halls, passing through the stately columns on their way to becoming Marines and Sailors. Among deeply cherished friends are numerous graduates whose counsel I seek, whose examples provide a path, and whose characters I respect and admire. All of them are remarkable people. I am grateful that their desire to serve resulted our lives intersecting.

I have also lost some of these friends, some in combat, others to their own internal struggles. I have wrestled heavily with the most recent loss, occurring last year. I met him in 1995, at grad school, and we were two of a trio of “young ‘uns” in our program – he just out of the Academy and me, nigh two years from undergrad. His magnanimous character, his humor, and his intelligence - all supported a palpable presence and portended achievement. His nature was humble, he never spoke of his heroism nor his accolades, rather the stories he told were of others or of his family. He focused on lifting others, remembering details important to them and always asking how he could assist, what he could do to elevate their lives. He was compassionate, loving and sincere. 

In the end, there was something underneath, buried deeply, that slowly clawed and mangled his spirit – and worst of all – those of us who knew him over these years were barely aware that it existed. The burden mantled his being, crushing him under its weight, unable to be mitigated by the surrounding joy and brilliance of his family’s love. Ultimately, he relented and succumbed, committing suicide.

Last December, following a ceremony with celebratory eulogies that gave no solace, we crossed the footbridge to the Naval Academy cemetery. The sun gleamed pale, worthless against a doleful wind, and our tears froze, staining our grief-colored cheeks. The missing man formation soaring overhead only cemented his absence, as he was lowered into the earth under the bugle-thin strain of Taps.

A year of unanswered “whys” has led me back to Annapolis and back to his grave site, finally ready to make peace with his departure. No longer will I carry the “why” of his leaving; I take up the “how” of his living and will move forward with it as my guide.   

Please consider making a donation to the organizations I am supporting for this run. If you are local, and wish to join me on my journey from Annapolis to D.C., please DM or email me. 

Reflection

 "What are you training for?" 

"Life, and a way to journey through it." 

Why do I run? What do I seek, if anything? 

Perhaps I am only a restive soul searching for quietude in the physical weariness of a long distance run, finding a restorative panacea in the aching limbs desire for simple steps forward. A solace I grant myself.

Today is Giving Tuesday, an answer to Black Friday and Cyber Monday. For me, it is another day to move forward and raise awareness. The fundraiser is on-going, please consider a small donation to the Semper Fi Fund or to the Suffer Better crew by clicking on the links below. 

 

If you want to join me along the way (especially for the miles through DC!), please either DM me or email me. 

On the way to 50 at the CR24. Photo by Ricky Scott

With a glimpse at my humor at the running a 1.187-mile circuit course for 50 miles, and in keeping with my theme of reflection, I leave you with the following: 

This entity I call my mind, this hive of restlessness,

this wedge of want my mind calls self,

this self which doubts so much and which keeps reaching,

keeps referring, keeps aspiring, longing, towards some state

from which ambiguity would be banished, uncertainty expunged;

this implement my mind and self imagine they might make together,

which would have everything accessible to it,

all our doings and undoings all at once before it,

so it would have at last the right to bless, or blame,

for without everything before you, all at once, how bless, how blame?

this capacity imagination, self and mind conceive might be the "soul,"

which would be able to regard such matters as creation and

     destruction,

origin and extinction, of species, peoples, even families, even mine,

of equal consequence, and might finally solve the quandary

of this thing of being, and this other thing of not;

these layers, these divisions, these meanings or the lack thereof,

these fissures and abysses beside which I stumble, over which I reel:

is the place, the space, they constitute,

which I never satisfactorily experience but from which the fear

I might be torn away appalls me, me, or what might most be me?

Even mine, I say, as if I might ever believe such a thing;

bless and blame, I say, as though I could ever not.

This ramshackle, this unwieldy, this jerry-built assemblage,

this unfelt always felt disarray: is this the sum of me,

is this where I'm meant to end, exactly where I started out?

"The Clause" by C.K. Williams
from The Singing.
Copyright: Farrar, Straus and Giroux. 

Do Work. Give Back.

What does it mean to give? 

I believe it means to contribute something of yourself that results in a sincere and lasting difference for good. It can be grand or minute. For me, it means highlighting and supporting the work of organizations serving a cause greater than themselves. 

I am kicking off a month's long fundraiser for the below organizations, culminating in a 50-mile tribute run on December 14th. I will run from the Naval Academy in Annapolis, MD, through DC into Virginia, and back into the nation's capital to finish at the historic Marine Corps Barracks at 8th and I Streets.  

Sunset on the Potomac River (Aug 2018)

The team at Suffer Better believe the road of life has no shortcuts and they embrace that pain is sometimes part of the journey.  Suffer Better is driven by two basic principles: giving it all in everything - training, work, life; and giving back to others. They focus on protecting our natural environment and building community. The Suffer Better tribe comes from all walks of life, and embrace the many layers of meaning in the term "Suffer Better." For some, it resonates with their need to push their limits in sport, while others engage with it to get through the inevitable physical and emotional ups and downs of life. 

The team at Semper Fi Fund are near and dear to my heart; I have watched them at work. They are mission-driven, compassionate and resolute in supporting our wounded, injured, and critically ill service members and their families. Their foundational premise of "support through sport" rings true and connects the challenge of recovery to the challenge of physical endeavors. 

Links to donate are above.  Run route is on the map. More posts and details to follow over the next month.  

If you would like to participate in the run (or as a crew member), email me or DM me on my Instagram! 

Until then, keep on doing the work and giving back.